5. Fractal Two: The Proximal Community (or, Hospitality At Home)

The next iteration of complexity involves understanding yourself within a small, proximal system, such as families of origin and choice. This increased relational complexity necessitates skill-building with respect to power dynamics, impact and accountability (however the family system defines it) to foster harmony and continued hospitality. Given the foibles of human experience and the ways that families can sometimes provoke us in ways nobody else can, the need for these skills is liable to be frequent. This also renders it an ideal environment (for those who can safely do so) to practice hospitable invitations among peers and near-peers.[1]

My approach to this fractal level is informed in part by my paternal Jewish heritage. My moral development in youth was shaped by what I perceived as generations of Jewish trauma that expressed in two ways. The first way was with a tacit understanding that one shouldn’t be too loud or proud in one’s happiness and bounty, lest “God notice you and smite you down.” Though these words were never spoken aloud in my family, the belief informed behaviors I observed and unconsciously learned to emulate. It led to a kind of traumatized humility based not on receptivity and curiosity but on fear and scarcity, which only amplified the feeling that invisibility was prerequisite to survival. The second way was demonstrated as a reliance on what I call “enemy-thinking.” It was common to witness my family members showing emotional support for each other during times of personal crisis by defaming whoever was the perceived perpetrator of the moment. As an adult, I was finally able to understand this as a belief system based on adherence to an imagined objective and overarching Truth against which one could be judged and found either sufficient or wanting (usually with others being found wanting, and oneself always sufficient). There was little concern for the benefit of the doubt, compassion, grace, or complexity, let alone one’s own impact or participation in whatever had transpired that yielded unwanted results. The situation was black and white. Within a family culture founded on fear, the risk of subjugation, and victimhood, absolutes were the only security.

Implicit in this reliance on an all-powerful external truth is the tacit belief in one’s own powerlessness. In this dynamic, one does not own one’s agency, and instead perceives oneself as the constant victim of circumstance. Eventually, I struggled toward the understanding that human interaction is governed by choices and behaviors informed by internal, subjective values and beliefs that one must constantly evaluate when cast against the screen of protean circumstance. This transformation, release, and redemption required that I befriend uncertainty, ambiguity, and paradox to truly embrace the complexity, creativity, and unpredictability of human experience, namely, to truly experience Other harmonically rather than within the disharmony of fear.

But I also learned about warmth and camaraderie and humor from my family of origin, which informed the expanding of my community into my family of choice based on mutual celebration, trust, and respect. Interaction with one’s family(ies) can be a source of hospitality where compassion prevails and imbalances of power are acknowledged, as does the nurture of small kindnesses that builds strong interconnectedness. In this area, European descended people have a lot to learn from other cultures, where the idea of family may not have been so damaged by imperialism and the colonizing, capitalistic, individualist-competitive tendencies of the global North. White people and others harmed by the isolating characteristics of capitalism can reclaim togetherness by choosing to connect in small ways wherever we’re able. Bringing soup to a sick friend. Giving someone a little extra grace on a hard day. Sending a text to let someone know you’re thinking of them. Wash, rinse, repeat.

The hospitality of our close communities can become an incredible source of strength, and developing those relationships with small, consistent action helps to reestablish the sense of hearth and home that many may feel are missing from their lives.

This is the fifth installment in a multi-part series on the constructive theology behind a "Ministry of Small Things." Read Part 4, or go to Part 6 in the series, "Fractal Three: The Distal Community – Organizing and Collaborating for Change."

[1] It is profoundly important to note that this view does not reference the traumatized systems and harmful power dynamics of some groups, which may negate the possiblity for hospitableness unless multiple elements within the system are working successfully within Fractal Level One (and maybe not even then). Hospitality cannot coexist with abuses of power, so it’s helpful to embrace a collaborative effort at providing and receiving hospitality where one is able to and allowing others to offer and receive it where you cannot. Near-peers could refer to those closest to you within the matrix of power dynamics informed by relationship and social location. Extending hospitality far outside that margin will need to account for imbalances of power and the ramifications of offers and acceptances of hospitality within that framework, which is outside the scope of this series.